If you've ever been to Cincinnati, you'd find this hilarious.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
A Supremely Interesting Blog Post!
As you may have already noticed, I'm really quite unimpressive when it comes to this whole blogging thing. I mean, damn, if the McCain girls can grab national headlines with their grimace-inducing videos, I'm sure I could hold the attention of one or two of my distance friends at least once a week, right? All these empty days and no updates, it just gets to be a little intimidating after a while, you know.
But not this time! (<-- Credit goes to my dear friend Obama for that phrase.) Instead of worrying about having a "topic" or a "purpose" to a post, I'm just going to barf up a quick list of events that have happened to me recently (which I'm sure just sounds thrilling to you). So, fuck it, here goes:
1. I bought a house. It's a gorgeous two bedroom/two bath rehab in the Benton Park neighborhood, within noseshot of Anheuser-Busch. The best part about it? Now I get to stay positioned by my front door and yell "Git offa my property" whenever anybody walks past. As god as my witness, I am buying a gun to protect my new home. A cork pop-gun, but a gun nonetheless.
2. I survived an earthquake last night. Okay, so maybe "survive" is a strong word, since during my 15-second tussle with the seismic forces of planet earth, I spent the first third of the experience wondering if it was just my crazy cats having a heated duel at 4:30 in the morning. 'Twas not the case. In any event, I have now officially survived a tornado and an earthquake in my time. Score? Todd: 2, Mother Nature: 0.
3. Larry King is an awful interviewer. I simply cannot understand how this owlish man has earned a reputation as a master in his field. Persistence and a vampiric-like endurance are the only two plausible explanations I can come up with. Can anyone else think of a better reason?
4. If there's anything I hate more than magnetic bumper stickers (often of the "Support Our Troops" variety), it's the Live Strong bracelet. So you can only imagine my gleeful reaction upon seeing both trends mashed into one: a magnetic Live Strong bracelet on the back on an SUV. Brilliant! I heart America.
5. I've been trying to curse less. And then I drove to work this morning. Sorry, but since I'm already on a crotchety old man Andy Rooney-style roll here, allow me to make some state-by-state driving comparisons. In Michigan, people just tend to drive fast, and it's OK because the speed limit is typically higher. In southwest Ohio, people are more or less insane when they get behind the wheel, swerving in and out of lanes of traffic for no apparent reason other than to see what they can get away with (it's about as exciting as a drunken game of corn hole). The preferred method of changing lanes in metro Cincinnati is by suddenly cutting off the car behind you with only a few paint layers' distance to spare. The results are even more erratic once you head into ritzier areas like Hyde Park, where these Charles Bronsons in Beamers have no fear of increased insurance rates due to reckless accidents with commonfolk like me. In Missouri, however, people just lay on the brakes for no apparent reason. You can be driving down a perfectly straight road following a Missouri driver with no other traffic around, and then. Stop. They'll just push on their brakes and forget to speed up. It's bad enough when it's just one car breaking in front of you for no reason at all, but when you're surrounded by these oblivious blockheads, curses will fly.
6. Google rules my soul. And I'm kind of okay with that. I recently discovered the simple pleasures of Google Calendar and Google Reader, and - holy cow! - my internetting will never be the same. Sure, it's kind of scary all the data Google probably has on me, but I highly doubt I'll ever be in a situation where I would be important enough to be blackmailed by Google. "We understand you're running for Mayor, Mr. Blogger, but how would you like it if your constituents knew what you were Googling at 8:23 pm, November 14 when you were 21 years old? Bwahahahaha!" I guess I'm just not vain enough to worry.
7. I've been playing my bass again. With other people. With two other sets of people, more precisely, and things are starting to sound pretty good. If you behave, I'll even dedicate a bass solo to you -- Ooh, so smooth! You know you want it.
8. I make no guarantees that I will update this again anytime soon, or regularly thereafter.
Finally, you have to burn the rope. No, really, you do.
But not this time! (<-- Credit goes to my dear friend Obama for that phrase.) Instead of worrying about having a "topic" or a "purpose" to a post, I'm just going to barf up a quick list of events that have happened to me recently (which I'm sure just sounds thrilling to you). So, fuck it, here goes:
1. I bought a house. It's a gorgeous two bedroom/two bath rehab in the Benton Park neighborhood, within noseshot of Anheuser-Busch. The best part about it? Now I get to stay positioned by my front door and yell "Git offa my property" whenever anybody walks past. As god as my witness, I am buying a gun to protect my new home. A cork pop-gun, but a gun nonetheless.
2. I survived an earthquake last night. Okay, so maybe "survive" is a strong word, since during my 15-second tussle with the seismic forces of planet earth, I spent the first third of the experience wondering if it was just my crazy cats having a heated duel at 4:30 in the morning. 'Twas not the case. In any event, I have now officially survived a tornado and an earthquake in my time. Score? Todd: 2, Mother Nature: 0.
3. Larry King is an awful interviewer. I simply cannot understand how this owlish man has earned a reputation as a master in his field. Persistence and a vampiric-like endurance are the only two plausible explanations I can come up with. Can anyone else think of a better reason?
4. If there's anything I hate more than magnetic bumper stickers (often of the "Support Our Troops" variety), it's the Live Strong bracelet. So you can only imagine my gleeful reaction upon seeing both trends mashed into one: a magnetic Live Strong bracelet on the back on an SUV. Brilliant! I heart America.
5. I've been trying to curse less. And then I drove to work this morning. Sorry, but since I'm already on a crotchety old man Andy Rooney-style roll here, allow me to make some state-by-state driving comparisons. In Michigan, people just tend to drive fast, and it's OK because the speed limit is typically higher. In southwest Ohio, people are more or less insane when they get behind the wheel, swerving in and out of lanes of traffic for no apparent reason other than to see what they can get away with (it's about as exciting as a drunken game of corn hole). The preferred method of changing lanes in metro Cincinnati is by suddenly cutting off the car behind you with only a few paint layers' distance to spare. The results are even more erratic once you head into ritzier areas like Hyde Park, where these Charles Bronsons in Beamers have no fear of increased insurance rates due to reckless accidents with commonfolk like me. In Missouri, however, people just lay on the brakes for no apparent reason. You can be driving down a perfectly straight road following a Missouri driver with no other traffic around, and then. Stop. They'll just push on their brakes and forget to speed up. It's bad enough when it's just one car breaking in front of you for no reason at all, but when you're surrounded by these oblivious blockheads, curses will fly.
6. Google rules my soul. And I'm kind of okay with that. I recently discovered the simple pleasures of Google Calendar and Google Reader, and - holy cow! - my internetting will never be the same. Sure, it's kind of scary all the data Google probably has on me, but I highly doubt I'll ever be in a situation where I would be important enough to be blackmailed by Google. "We understand you're running for Mayor, Mr. Blogger, but how would you like it if your constituents knew what you were Googling at 8:23 pm, November 14 when you were 21 years old? Bwahahahaha!" I guess I'm just not vain enough to worry.
7. I've been playing my bass again. With other people. With two other sets of people, more precisely, and things are starting to sound pretty good. If you behave, I'll even dedicate a bass solo to you -- Ooh, so smooth! You know you want it.
8. I make no guarantees that I will update this again anytime soon, or regularly thereafter.
Finally, you have to burn the rope. No, really, you do.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
You look like a mingler
So, did you hear, the Kids in the Hall are touring, eh? I already picked up tickets for their May 20 stop at the Pageant and begrudgingly paid the exorbitant TicketMaster "convenience" fee (which is so convenient that it's actually charged to each ticket purchased, because somehow having a computer process a payment is a very costly endeavor). I can't wait.
I watched the sketch comedy show obsessively as a kid, which probably explains why my early teen humor was so bizarrely dependant on highly inappropriate queer jokes, Satan, and sarcasm. But while the show was brilliant for its oddities like chicken ladies, cabbage heads, head crushers, and flying pigs, I think oftentimes the simplest gags were the most effective. Here are a couple of my favorites skits:
I watched the sketch comedy show obsessively as a kid, which probably explains why my early teen humor was so bizarrely dependant on highly inappropriate queer jokes, Satan, and sarcasm. But while the show was brilliant for its oddities like chicken ladies, cabbage heads, head crushers, and flying pigs, I think oftentimes the simplest gags were the most effective. Here are a couple of my favorites skits:
Friday, March 21, 2008
Dig it, the dancing bean
My wife, for reasons unbeknownst to me, thinks I dance like this:
Pfft. She crazy. Everyone knows I dance more like this:
And when I'm feeling particularly frisky, you might catch me busting out a little bit of this:
Oh yes, ahem, and while we're on the subject of dancing prowess, it appears that local St. Louis novelty mop-topped concert goer Beatle Bob has not only been spotlighted by the Associated Press, but that his arrhythmic devotion to the Rock and/or Roll has earned him a feature in Blender, the magazine for men who like breasts and baseless music reviews.
A to Z and Highway 61 Revised have more info on the perplexing presence of this local club fixture. Dude's even getting a documentary. A teaser is now available:
A lot of locals can't stand him, though. An enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in controversy, that one is.
Pfft. She crazy. Everyone knows I dance more like this:
And when I'm feeling particularly frisky, you might catch me busting out a little bit of this:
Oh yes, ahem, and while we're on the subject of dancing prowess, it appears that local St. Louis novelty mop-topped concert goer Beatle Bob has not only been spotlighted by the Associated Press, but that his arrhythmic devotion to the Rock and/or Roll has earned him a feature in Blender, the magazine for men who like breasts and baseless music reviews.
A to Z and Highway 61 Revised have more info on the perplexing presence of this local club fixture. Dude's even getting a documentary. A teaser is now available:
A lot of locals can't stand him, though. An enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in controversy, that one is.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The funnies
Leave it to people with more creative cynicism (and evidently more free time) than me to turn my least favorite cartoon strips into two of the funniest websites I've ever run across. The first is Marmaduke Explained, which, you guessed it, explains why the daily Marmaduke cartoon is supposed to be funny in 500 words or less. Here's an example with a typically Marmadukian scenario in which the oversized Great Dane is dragging his Owner Man behind him on a walk:
This site has been a steady stream of amusement ever since I first stumbled across it a year or so ago. It's well worth browsing through the archives to find the tasty bits about Marmaduke, the Owner Lady, and frottage. If my cubicle neighbors were ever wondering why I randomly choke on laughter, this is it.
Another revision of the Sunday Funnies worth checking out is Garfield Minus Garfield, in which someone with access to Photoshop strips every Garfield cartoon of the fat, lasagna-loving cat, leaving Jon looking like a sad, delusional man with predictably humorous results. Check it out:
Marmaduke destroyed his owner-family's mailbox (and probably a number of other things) during his afternoon walk with his owner-man. Owner-Man makes light of the mailbox situation to his wife, yet another example of how the bulk of their communication is a numb, disconnected and empty series of weak jokes and ironic understatements deployed in order to distance themselves from the horror and futility of spending their lives as the prisoner-slaves of their powerful, self-serving ogre of a dog.
This site has been a steady stream of amusement ever since I first stumbled across it a year or so ago. It's well worth browsing through the archives to find the tasty bits about Marmaduke, the Owner Lady, and frottage. If my cubicle neighbors were ever wondering why I randomly choke on laughter, this is it.
Another revision of the Sunday Funnies worth checking out is Garfield Minus Garfield, in which someone with access to Photoshop strips every Garfield cartoon of the fat, lasagna-loving cat, leaving Jon looking like a sad, delusional man with predictably humorous results. Check it out:
Monday, February 25, 2008
Been busier than Javier Bardem
As any long-time reader of this blog can attest to, I don't lead a particularly bloggable life. This past weekend, however, was unusually action packed. The big news is that I'm an uncle! My sister gave birth to her first kid Saturday afternoon at 12:46 p.m., after a prolonged labor that started Thursday or Wednesday. The extended labor had everyone worried, but after several phone calls from my folks (mostly of the "Hi, we're calling to tell you that we don't have any new news" variety) everyone is now happy and healthy. In case you are interested, my new niece has brown hair like her favorite uncle, and also like her favorite uncle she is a Pisces. The extra good news is that little Zoe now takes off any pressure on me to beget grandchildren for my parents for the time being.
While becoming a parent will undoubtedly change my sister's life forever, my life also started down a new, exciting, and irrevocably nerdy path this last weekend. Say goodbye to normal socializing, books, television, bathing, shaving, feeding the cats, or giving a damn what the neighbors think: I got a Wii! The wife won it on eBay, and while it was technically supposed to be a birthday present for yours truly for the following week, when the UPS man finally delivered it on Friday (waiting till the last possible, infuriating minute, I might add) there was just no sense in keeping it locked up. And, O sweet Jeebus, I am never leaving the house again. It is ridiculously fun.
Now, I've never been hugely into video games -- in fact, I haven't owned a new gaming system since I had the 32X adaptor for my Sega Genesis, and even then the only thing that got me going was Road Rash II -- but the Wii has the sort of intuitively fun gameplay that appeals to a wide cross-section of demographics that happens to include both me and my wife. We played it pretty much non-stop this weekend, and already we've almost beaten the final Star Battle in Mario Party 8. My entire right arm is sore from all the thwacking, swinging, shooting, jumping, and sawing. The pain will go down eventually, right?
This was an extraordinarily generous gift from my wife -- especially considering how our early days of "dating" consisted of her coming over to my apartment to watch me and my stoned friends play Soul Caliber -- so this tells me that I was an even better husband than I had realized on Valentine's Day.
Speaking of dating, the wife and I actually had a decent excuse to get dressed up on Saturday night. After a dinner of Persian cuisine and chocolate milkshakes, we indulged in a little musical theatre with the traveling Broadway production of Avenue Q, playing at the Fabulous Fox Theatre (which features an elaborate "Siamese Byzantine" interior that truly is fabulous). The musical centers around a group of Sesame Street-esque puppets searching for their purpose in life, in affordable (read: slummy) apartments in New York City. The songs touched on racism, shadenfreude, closeted homosexuality, masturbation, and, most poignantly, "What Do You Do With a BA in English?" That's something I've been asking myself for these past four years. Despite the unnecessary Gary Coleman jokes (he was the super of the building), it was a really enjoyable production.
All in all, it was quite a weekend. Enough excitement to get me through my first five-day work week in some time, I expect.
While becoming a parent will undoubtedly change my sister's life forever, my life also started down a new, exciting, and irrevocably nerdy path this last weekend. Say goodbye to normal socializing, books, television, bathing, shaving, feeding the cats, or giving a damn what the neighbors think: I got a Wii! The wife won it on eBay, and while it was technically supposed to be a birthday present for yours truly for the following week, when the UPS man finally delivered it on Friday (waiting till the last possible, infuriating minute, I might add) there was just no sense in keeping it locked up. And, O sweet Jeebus, I am never leaving the house again. It is ridiculously fun.
Now, I've never been hugely into video games -- in fact, I haven't owned a new gaming system since I had the 32X adaptor for my Sega Genesis, and even then the only thing that got me going was Road Rash II -- but the Wii has the sort of intuitively fun gameplay that appeals to a wide cross-section of demographics that happens to include both me and my wife. We played it pretty much non-stop this weekend, and already we've almost beaten the final Star Battle in Mario Party 8. My entire right arm is sore from all the thwacking, swinging, shooting, jumping, and sawing. The pain will go down eventually, right?
This was an extraordinarily generous gift from my wife -- especially considering how our early days of "dating" consisted of her coming over to my apartment to watch me and my stoned friends play Soul Caliber -- so this tells me that I was an even better husband than I had realized on Valentine's Day.
Speaking of dating, the wife and I actually had a decent excuse to get dressed up on Saturday night. After a dinner of Persian cuisine and chocolate milkshakes, we indulged in a little musical theatre with the traveling Broadway production of Avenue Q, playing at the Fabulous Fox Theatre (which features an elaborate "Siamese Byzantine" interior that truly is fabulous). The musical centers around a group of Sesame Street-esque puppets searching for their purpose in life, in affordable (read: slummy) apartments in New York City. The songs touched on racism, shadenfreude, closeted homosexuality, masturbation, and, most poignantly, "What Do You Do With a BA in English?" That's something I've been asking myself for these past four years. Despite the unnecessary Gary Coleman jokes (he was the super of the building), it was a really enjoyable production.
All in all, it was quite a weekend. Enough excitement to get me through my first five-day work week in some time, I expect.
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