Where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who.

This already feels like old news, but George Saunders' latest New Yorker spoof on Sarah Palin's unblinkingness and disjointed grammar is just too perfect not to share. Words fail to describe:

Explaining how she felt when John McCain offered her the Vice-Presidential spot, my Vice-Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, said something very profound: “I answered him ‘Yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink. So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.”

Isn’t that so true? I know that many times, in my life, while living it, someone would come up and, because of I had good readiness, in terms of how I was wired, when they asked that—whatever they asked—I would just not blink, because, knowing that, if I did blink, or even wink, that is weakness, therefore you can’t, you just don’t. You could, but no—you aren’t.

Of course, we now know that her story of not blinking may be yet another one of her fanciful fabrications.

But now, re-reading Saunders' bit in light of Palin's cringe-inducing interview with Katie Couric, I think he may have been too generous in following the train wreck of her logic. Try making sense of this excerpt from the interview:

COURIC: Why isn’t it better, Governor Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries? Allow them to spend more, and put more money into the economy, instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

PALIN: That’s why I say I, like every American I’m speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in. Where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh, it’s got to be about job creation, too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade — we have got to see trade as opportunity, not as, uh, competitive, um, scary thing, but one in five jobs created in the trade sector today. We’ve got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation.

Reducing taxes has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief?

Oh dear.

Bloggers on Blogging, or, Why the Apocalypse is Near

I don't even know what to make of this. Apparently, there is a loose collective of eager-to-network St. Louis-area bloggers, nay, a "guild" of bloggers, who are hosting a conference on blogging this weekend. Yeah, you read that right. It goes without saying that this Well Respected Blogger is in no way affiliated with the local bloggers' guild because, as you are all well aware, I am a maverick, a renegade, a lone wolf from the Lone Star state, if you will. In other words, I wasn't invited to the party.

Still, I take it as a rather egregious slap to my chiseled, electronic face that I wasn't asked to be a keynote speaker at this event. Possible topics that I might have lectured on include:

"Solipsism: Why No One Will Enjoy Your Blog As Much As You"

or,

"Music Blogging is Fun! Or, How To Post MP3s and Evade Johnny Law"

or, perhaps the most pertinent topic of all,

"Not All Bloggers Are Virgins (wink!): How To Juggle a Job, Two Blogs, and Still Give the False Impression That You Have a Life"

These events would have been standing room only. Clearly. Oh well, their loss.

In spite of this, the schedule of events that they have pulled together does pique my interest. CSS, vlogging, monetizing, oh my. The inner nerd in me says "Go, henceforth, and embrace your geeky brethren" but the outer nerd in me says, "What? And ruin your perfectly good plans to eat potato chips in your boxer shorts all weekend long?"

The timing is kind of bad (a little advance warning would have been nice), and as far as I can tell you have to purchase a weekend wristband to the whole silly PLAY:stl music fest to gain entry. $15 just to hear a couple bloggers talk about blogging while the audience live-blogs the event! Geez Louise.

I am such a dork for even thinking about going.

I am an even bigger dork for blogging about thinking about going.

I think it's going to be potato chips and boxer shorts for this lone wolf after all.

And I said, "Thanks, but no thanks, to that blog to nowhere"

People keep asking me about my Well Respected Blog, which is weird because it means that there are some people who actually read it. Weirder still because I get the impression that some people even enjoy it. While I am obviously flattered by the prospect of a small herd of people smirking behind their computer screens at my infrequently updated, self-reflexively asinine comments on increasingly mundane things in the world around me and/or links to things on the Internet that I found to be moderately interesting or worthy of linkage, part of this does cause me to bristle. Mostly due to the unspoken assumption that my other blog, the one I actually put an ounce of effort into, is chopped liver. It's like college all over again - when I poured so much energy and focus into my band, the usual response I'd get from friends not in the band would be, "Oh, *yawn*, you're still doing that? Good for you." Thanks assholes. I love you too.

I jest, of course. But out of respect to the four or five people who have shown a glint of interest in this paltry blog, I suppose I owe it to them to update the darn thing once in a while. And what better segue back into the world of blogging than that of the hilariously under-qualified pro-God VP nominee of the Republican party, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin! I'm going to bite my tongue on the litany of biblical disasters she would surely rain down onto the world should she somehow ascend to the throne in the Oval Office, and instead thank her for inspiring this video. I LOL every time I watch it (please note: video may not appear in your Google Reader):

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

See? Wasn't that worth the wait? No need to thank me now; I can feel the gratitude seeping through your web browser.